Gentle Parenting vs FAFO: Why Not Do Both?

The day after my article on Positive Motivation came out, my mom texted me and said, “Good job on your article. I liked it, but the Wall Street Journal says you’re wrong.” She then emailed me the WSJ article, titled “Goodbye Gentle Parenting, Hello ‘F---' Around and Find Out.”

Essentially, proponents of FAFO say that we’ve ruined our children by constantly asking for their opinions about everything, validating all their feelings, allowing them to avoid anything they find uncomfortable or scary, and overprotecting them from all of life’s disappointments and failures.

And you know what? “Ruined” is a strong word, but they’re not entirely wrong. Certainly, employers from all over the country would agree with them.

They say that things were SO MUCH BETTER when we were growing up. Is that really how you all remember it? Maybe we were tougher, smarter, and more resilient back then. But I would argue that they are more compassionate, assertive, and self-aware than we ever were.  Moreover, does it really have to be Gentle Parenting versus FAFO?

Why can’t we have the best of BOTH?

Spoiler alert…we CAN. I’m here for it. Join me while I talk about what I think are the best aspects of both styles of parenting, and how we can combine the two.

FAFO Parenting

FAFO focuses on allowing kids to experience the natural consequences of their actions. The emphasis is on teaching responsibility, rather than understanding.

Examples of FAFO Parenting:

· Letting your kid freeze because they didn’t want to wear a jacket

· Letting them go hungry when they don’t want to eat the dinner you cooked

· Taking away their toys because they threw them

Pros:

1. It prepares children for the real world, where consequences can be harsh and lasting

The common retort to gentle parenting is, “Your boss doesn’t care about your feelings. Do as you’re told, or else.” Same goes for your landlord, your creditors, and the law. Something I tell parents is, one of your most important jobs is to prepare your child for adulthood. Therefore, I do see a lot of value in implementing “natural consequences.”

It is grounded in logic and teaches kids to imagine consequences beyond the immediate here and now. For instance, in the immediate here and now, staying up to play your video game for another hour brings you all sorts of joy. But tomorrow, when you still have to wake up early for school, you may regret this choice. 

2. It feels more natural to parents who were raised this way, and is easier to implement

If any of you have ever tried to implement gentle parenting, you know it is not easy and takes a lot of time and patience. Most of us don’t have any real-life examples to imitate because chances are, we weren’t raised that way. Moreover, parents and other caregivers are people, too. We have just as many needs as our children do.

Does it seem like your child always melts down at the exact time you don’t have the time or energy to deal with it? Do you ever get butt-hurt because your child always knows the perfect mean thing to say to hit you where it hurts? I believe in choosing your battles. If you just do NOT have the mental or emotional capacity to sit and co-regulate with your screaming/crying child, it’s okay to say, “Do it, or don’t. I’m going to bed.” You’re not going to ruin them for life. Parenthood is a marathon, not a race. 

3. Results are more immediate, and rules feel firm and absolute

Here’s something interesting you may not know. Sarah Ockwell-Smith, author of books on gentle parenting, said that the full effect of your efforts won’t be seen until children are in their 20s, although you may see “glimmers” as they approach puberty and teen years. REALLY? Can y’all wait that long? One thing I do like about FAFO’s focus on natural consequences is that the child sees a clear and immediate connection between their behavior and consequence.

“You didn’t do your homework so now you don’t have time to go to a movie with your friend.” That feels firm and absolute. I do think it can be very confusing for a child when you tell them they HAVE TO do something, but then, you offer a less-distasteful choice. No wonder it takes 10-20 years for them to “get it.”

But on the flip side…

Gentle Parenting

Gentle Parenting focuses on treating kids with kindness and respect. The emphasis is on nurturing cooperation, rather than obedience.

Examples of Gentle Parenting:

· Acknowledging they’re upset and sitting with them until they’re ready to talk

· Explaining the reason for your rules, and giving choices within boundaries

· Empathizing when they’re disappointed and helping them calm down and move on

Pros:

1. Children learn to process their feelings, stay calm, and problem-solve difficult situations

Something I’ve learned from my years as an educator is that children don’t really know how they feel. Many adults don’t either. They act angry when really, they’re sad or scared. If no one ever asks you how you feel, do you really learn to distinguish between those varied emotions? Or between the degrees of your feelings? Like, are you feeling a little sad, or are you devastated? Do your feelings match the situation, and does your reaction match your feelings?

Gentle Parenting gives kids all sorts of words to talk about their feelings, so next time, instead of destroying their rooms or yours, they can just say how they feel and move on. Better yet, you can model how you stay calm when you’re upset, or you can both co-regulate and bring the temperature down together. And because we’re all feeling calm, now we can talk about solutions, the only thing that’ll really help in the long run. If you think throwing things and screaming feel good, wait till you see how good solving your problems feels!

2. Your kids will be more likely to be honest and communicate openly with you

An anecdote I remember so vividly from the WSJ article was about a mother (who happens to also be a psychologist) charging her son for laundry because he kept having toileting accidents. That’s not the bad part – I can definitely see how laundry costs would be a natural consequence for soiling your clothes. HOWEVER, later, she found out he had a medical condition, and that was why he kept having toileting accidents. The mother no longer punished him for future accidents, but she still kept the money he had already paid her because “he lied to her.”

SMH…I think if I were her, I would’ve been more horrified that my child had a big problem and was scared to talk to me. Something I love about Gentle Parenting is that it gives children practice in having difficult conversations in a safe space. They are met with kindness and understanding, and therefore, they’re more likely to go to you in the future when they have a problem. 

3. The impact is far-reaching and lasting – they are learning important life skills

I’ve worked for the past 25 years with a whole generation of kids who were brought up on Gentle Parenting principles, and for the most part, I think it leads to positive and lasting outcomes. It’s true that they don’t “do as they’re told” as much as we perhaps did, but should they? Do we really want them to just blindly follow and obey when they’re in a thankless job or in an unloving relationship? Isn’t it better to think critically, resolve conflicts when you can, and feel confident to seek a better situation when you can’t?

I see this young generation as people who communicate their feelings with one another, and therefore, are able to tell their friends/partners/colleagues what they need to be happy and fulfilled. And more importantly, they’re more likely to be empathetic when others in their personal or work lives express how they’re feeling.

Modeling good self-calming also teaches them to address uncomfortable situations as they happen, rather than suppressing their stress or anxiety until it blows up at the exact wrong time. They are also more likely to work hard when they see the purpose of what they are doing, not because they fear punishment or judgement.

Putting It All Together

Here are some tips for incorporating both parenting styles

1. Giving clear, firm rules reduces ambiguity and sets healthy boundaries. But couple that with an explanation of why those are your rules. That helps them to start thinking logically about making good choices when you aren’t around.

2.  Natural consequences are a great way for kids to learn what happens when they make poor choices. But be honest with yourself—is this truly a natural consequence, or are you just punishing them out of anger?  

3. You don’t always have the time, energy, or emotional capacity to have a drawn-out discussion, where kids always feel listened to and validated. I get it—sometimes you’re in the middle of a grocery store or late for work or just exhausted from life. But at some point, do have a talk about it, when you’re both calmer and well-rested.

4. Teach kids the nuances of when and how to express their feelings. They can’t speak to their boss or a cop the way they speak to their friends or to you. It’s great that they feel comfortable being assertive, but they need to learn how to do that respectfully and professionally…or suffer the consequences.

So, there you have it. You can be firm without feeling guilty.

And you can be understanding without being a pushover.

It’s not FAFO. It’s not Gentle Parenting. It’s BOTH!