Aren’t There Just Some Kids Who Can’t Be Motivated?

A couple of years back, I had the opportunity to speak to a group of teachers about Positive Psychology and Motivation. I was so excited. This is my PASSION. These are two topics I love thinking about, reading about, hearing about, talking about…and now I was going to have three full hours to nerd out on the subject with a captive audience. Literally, they couldn’t leave [cue evil laugh].

Just kidding – I wouldn’t have stopped them if they’d walked out, and they were being paid to be there.

It was a good day overall. They walked in refreshed from their summers off, optimistic that this year was going to be better than the last. I could feel their ENTHUSIASM – they were laughing, cheering, sharing, commiserating.  It was all great fun. Then I asked: Does anyone have any questions?

A brave hand popped up, and she said, “This is really good and all. But let’s be honest. Aren’t there just some kids who can’t be motivated?”

I wish there had been a camera on me because I’m really curious what my face looked like at that moment. My mom says I’m not very good at hiding my feelings. All I know is that I paused and took a breath before quietly replying, “I believe all PEOPLE can be motivated.”

And yes, I emphasized the word people because that’s what children are. Even the bratty ones. Maybe especially the bratty ones.

She then said, “I’m sorry, but I disagree with you.”

I don’t remember what I said to that. I do remember feeling thrown off and a little deflated. I’m sure I rambled on for a bit. Then I hit my clicker to move to the next screen and finished my talk.

I tell this story NOT to shame her, but to VALIDATE her.

In fact, since that day, her question has popped into my head often. I’d be face-to-face with a bratty kid who mouths off to me, and I’d think: This one. This is exactly what she was talking about. Maybe she was right after all.

Then I take a step back, remember my training, and trust my experience. And I try again. Here’s the honest truth: To this day, I have not found even one kid who has proved me wrong. I still passionately believe that all people CAN be motivated. Some kids are harder than others. It’s sometimes SCARY how hard it is. There are days when you feel like you’ve been on this roller coaster forever without knowing what’s even waiting for you at the end. Often it feels like for every small step forward, you take two GIANT steps back. Mental illness is a real [insert expletive here]. It feels impossible. Until it doesn’t.

HERE ARE SOME GUIDING QUESTIONS I ASK MY CLIENTS:

1.  What is one BIG DREAM you have for yourself?

Yes, “yourself” is underlined, and I mean it. I’m not asking what you wish for your parents or children or partner, etc. It’s admirable to want everyone else’s hopes and desires to come true before your own. But we’re talking about motivation here, and that requires actions that are entirely within your control. On that note, put aside – for now – whether this dream of yours is likely to happen (or even possible, for that matter). Because although I do care as your coach/therapist what your big dream is, the next question I’ll ask is the more important one: WHY?

The answer to that question will reveal what your values are, what you care about most, and what fears/anxieties are standing in your way.

Consider:

How would your life change if this dream came true?

In what ways would “future you” be different than how you are now?

Are there any current challenges you might be free of if you could accomplish this goal?

What thoughts and feelings come up for you when you imagine this future?

How might this success alter your thoughts or feelings about yourself?

With children as young as 8, I ask “What do you want to be when you grow up?” And no matter what they say, I ask, “WHY?” That question often tells me what they care about and how to motivate them more than their grades or IQ scores ever would.

There was the third grader who wanted to work in the fields because his mom’s back hurt so much from picking strawberries every day, and he thought if he could go to work instead, she could stay home and rest.

There was the sixth grader who wanted to be a brain surgeon so that he could look inside people’s heads, see what was wrong with them, and maybe fix their problems.

In these examples, you have two individuals with possibly different values, interests, outlooks, priorities, motivations, etc. I say possibly because although I may instinctively jump to a conclusion, I still test my hypothesis by asking follow-up questions.

For instance:

Do you know anyone in that occupation? Tell me more about them.

How do you think most people feel about those in that occupation?

What do you imagine you would be doing day-to-day as a ________?

Which job duty do you think you’d most enjoy and why?

Are there special skills or talents you must develop to prepare for that job?

I have asked these (or similar) questions of many people: children, teens, and adults. Through this line of questioning, I’m hoping to understand what qualities you admire, what you wish you could change, and what you value most in life.

2.  Think about the last time you worked hard or long to learn something. What made you put in that much effort? What did you think your reward would be?

I used to conceptualize rewards as a continuum, a hierarchy, in which the very youngest are rewarded when primary needs (food, sleep, comfort) are satisfied, while the very evolved are intrinsically-motivated (accomplishment, pride, identity). What I’ve come to realize through experience, is that we humans want all of the above at different times, and, often we have numerous motivations and envision multiple rewards for each goal.

I’m a big fan of The Conqueror Challenges. I don’t get paid for talking about it, but it was a big help to me at a particularly difficult time in my life, so I tell everyone about it for free. You choose a virtual race and earn miles as you go. When you finish the race, they send you a pretty medal. One goal, one target behavior, one reward. Yet it motivated me in numerous ways.

PRIMARY REINFORCER: Food, sleep, comfort.

My longest race was 268 miles. I knew it was going to take me all year to finish it. I had real trouble getting excited about lacing up my hiking boots to get there, so I added a primary reinforcer (food). For every 20% I completed of the challenge, I made my husband take me to my favorite restaurant. It was hard staying motivated to earn a shiny medal in 268 miles but knowing I would get to eat as many dumplings as I want after every 53 miles kept me on track. I used to work with a teacher who bought a large pizza once a month, and the table with the most points got to share it with him. He told me that it was the best $20 he ever spent.

TANGIBLES: Money, stickers, toys, or my new shiny medal.

When I was a kid, my mom would buy me a CD at the mall if I earned all A’s and B’s on my report card each quarter. Buying my Tiffany CD with my very first great report card is a memory I’ll never forget. 

COMPLETION: Finishing what you started.

When I work with difficult students, I often make a token exchange agreement with them. There are many ways of doing this, but the easiest is to just write numbers 1-10 on a paper and circle each number in order when they complete one activity. On a couple of occasions, I’ve had students work really hard to earn all 10 tokens, and then walk toward the door, forgetting they could take a prize at the end. That’s when I realized: For some of us, there is satisfaction in closure – circling the last number, solving every problem on a math test, crossing the finish line in a race.

SOCIAL PRESSURE AND PRAISE: Approval and recognition from others.

I had a nurse practitioner during this time who knew my husband and I were either hiking or biking every weekend. When I came in each week, she’d invariably ask, “How many miles did you do?” and no matter what number I said, she’d tell everyone in the clinic about my accomplishment. There were weekends I didn’t feel like doing anything, but I forced myself because I knew she would ask me, and I didn’t want to say I did none. I recently worked with a youngster who had daily behavior issues at school. He was also very social and loved talking to people. We made a deal. If he could make it through the morning without any behaviors, his teacher would write it on a post-it and send him around the campus, where he got to show his note to everyone he saw, so they could tell him how proud they were of him. If you’re working on a challenging goal, I encourage you to tell people what you’re working on, and maybe even request that they ask you about it periodically. Knowing you are accountable to people who are rooting for you to succeed can be a huge motivator.  

INTRINSIC: Internal personal satisfaction

This is the word we use to describe all the reasons within us that make us put in the work. Maybe we really enjoy what we’re doing. I volunteered to give the talk to those teachers about positive psychology and motivation because it’s my passion. Maybe we have something to prove. I might’ve quit a hundred times before, but I won’t give up this time. Intrinsic motivation is why I ask everyone who they want to be and why. It tells me what matters the most, what lights your spark, what you live for. We humans are complicated beings. We don’t just have one need, or one desire. We have many, often at the same time. Do not give up when one motivator doesn’t do it for you anymore. Layer in another one. Find what brings you joy.

3:  What stops you from doing it? What stands in your way? What are you afraid of?

Name the big scary monster in the room. When you speak about your fears, they lose their power over you. Maybe we realize our beliefs are based on false premises. Maybe we were only thinking about the bad outcomes and not seeing the good. Maybe it really is something difficult and uncomfortable, but the problem really isn’t as huge as we’re making it out to be. Here are some ways I reframe negative thinking:

Why do you think that? Let’s consider these reasons that may not be the case.     

What you’re afraid of is just one possible outcome. What might be a good outcome?

Yes, it might be boring. Let’s get this part over with first and do something fun when we’re done.

You got 1 out of 5 correct. How about we shoot for 2 out of 5 next week?  

Can we compromise? You don’t want to do x, but will you try y?

How about we take a few deep breaths or repeat some affirmations and then try again?

Of all the things I ask my clients to try, confronting their fears is usually the hardest. I don’t always think it’s a necessary step. But if nothing seems to be working and you find yourself up against extreme resistance, be direct. Give that monster a name. What are you afraid of?

Are all kids able to be motivated? I honestly believe so. If you find yourself at a loss, remember the following.

• Ask them about their dreams.

• Find what brings them joy.

• Help them confront their fears.

• Do not give up!

Thank you for taking the time to read this article. I hope you saw a couple ideas you are excited to try on your child or on yourself. Let me know how it went. If you would like me to guide you through these practices and more, call or email me to book an appointment. I’m excited to hear from you!